Thursday, January 23, 2014

Blogathon Day 23: Why I went missing

Weirdest thing happened. I suddenly got busy at work. So busy as I have never been, in my entire tenure at this company. My kitchen, family and blog are on hold. Hang on. Tomorrow is weekend, and promise I will update ! 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Blogathon Day 20: An ode to Sports

Before I start, let me clarify that I suck at sports. Any kind. The very few times I brushed shoulders with sports are all joke-worthy. So I am going to tell you about all of them.

Primary School, Jack and Jill Race - Gold

This was the first time I was participating in any sporting event other than group PT displays or mandatory class marches. I got a Gold in that race. But you know how? I was playing Jack in the race and I had another partner playing Jill. As per rules of the race, Jack was supposed to pick up the bucket and Jill, a little distance from the starting line, then all three of them were to run together to the finish line. My Jill was extra competitive. She started running even before I reached her.I could barely catch the bucket before the finish line. While all other Jills wanted to care about their Jacks, my Jill was happy going for the Gold. Ofcourse I shared the credit but the bucket was solely mine.

Graduation, College Sports Day, 400 Metres relay - Silver

Before you wow this. Let me clarify that there were 4 runners each running 100 metres. So it was 4*100 metre relay. Due to extremely low turnout on the college sports day, there were no teams to participate in the girls relay. So, we put up three teams from the girls hostel to fill the event. All three won medals. In my defense, we were not last. And no one knows about that fastest girl on our team who took a good enough lead from the last team so that the rest of us could just walk.

Post graduation, Table Tennis - the Bat won

MBA college had a TT table that everyone used for improving their TT skills. When I joined MBA I bought a new TT bat, good quality. I intended to play often. But I hate standing in queues. My second day of practice, I couldn't take the long wait anymore. As I was beginning to leave, a guy asked me if he could borrow my bat. I gave him the bat and left. I never went back again. The bat changed several hands and landed with someone I couldn't track. I'm almost certain it won a championship or two there.

And then there were the times when we played badminton on family picnics. For some reason I always imagined one song playing in the background. "Dhal gaya din.. tuk.. ho gayi sham.. tuk"

Hmm. That's pretty much the story of my friendship with sports. Promise will learn swimming this year. As I have been promising myself for the past 5 years. Blame it on the weather. Grr.. It is never right.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Blogathon Day 19: Typical conversation between a woman and her hairstylist

I bet 90% of you have the same conversation. Every single time.

Woman walks into the famous hair cutting place where she has taken an appointment days in advance and has been looking forward to breaking the boredom from her mane. She is made to wait for a few minutes before she is given a seat in front of a large mirror. If the staff is pleasant, she is offered coffee. Then walks in the stylist.

Stylist: Hello, I am XY. May I know your name?

Woman: I am AB.

Stylist: Ok. AB. Tell me what you want. What are we doing today?

Woman: I don't know. I want a new look. I am very bored of my current curly hair/frizzy hair/flat hair/straight hair/U hair/V hair etc. etc.

Stylist: (running her fingers through her hair). Ahan. When was your last haircut? Do you want the same cut?

Woman: (Remembering that it was between 4 to 6 months ago).. hmm.. I think 2 months. No, don't do the same one. I want something different this time.

Stylist: I am thinking layers.

Woman: Don't make it very short. I want to keep the same length. And it should be low maintenance. I don't have time.

Stylist: Ok.

Woman: And I want little bit of volume. And something in front.

Stylist: Ahan. Ok. Lets first wash your hair. Please come this side.

Then while washing her hair the stylist will ask what shampoo she uses and weather or not she uses a conditioner everytime. Maybe also how often she oils her hair.

Back at the chair. Snip Snip begins.

Stylist: Have you considered colouring/rebonding/straghtening your hair?

Woman: No no. I tried it once, it spoilt my hair. I lost so much hair since I moved to this town/put certain treatment/changed water/had kids

Snip. snip. And then blow dry.

Stylist: We are almost done here. I will now show you from behind how it looks. Its easy to maintain. Just after you shampoo in the morning, blow dry rolling your brush like this and take in inwards/outwards. When you go to a party, you can try this parting. Or otherwise, just let be naturally like this.

Woman: Looking at her hair in the mirror. Wow. Looks nice. Thanks!

And then she walks out, feeling like a model, with pretty much her old haircut, just refreshed and hyper blow dried.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Blogathon Day 16: The ultimate wishlist of an online shopper

Half way through the Blogathon!

Cougar town has this episode where Jules and Elli drink some wine and look at clothes and shoes online. I love that episode. I love doing that too. Window shopping online I mean. Today I am going to list down 5 things that make me happy. They are so beautiful, lovely and purely for pleasure. And for envy.

They are top on my dream list. Right next to publishing my own book. That is what I am going to do with all the money I make writing.

# 1 This Prada calf leather tote



# 2 These katespade metallic heals

# 3 These citrine stone and diamond earrings
Kiki Classic Citrine and Diamond Oval Drop Earrings
# 4 This awsome wingback fireplace chair for reading and an appropriate ottoman to go!



# 5 The most sophisticated sewing machine ever made - Brother Quattro 6000D!
Brother Quattro 6000D Sewing and Embroidery Machine

:) :) ;) ;)

I am getting goosebumps. Bye.


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Blogathon Day 15: Modi flies with Salman

One, I am writing this post first thing int he morning from work. My bosses don't know that, but the sheer pressure of daily updates keeps me distracted all day. So I am getting it out of the way first thing.

Two, the subject of the post is more positive than I am. To drive Modi crazy traffic you know.

So, I have always praised the marketing skills of Modi Ji. The guy knows how to drive the masses, or to say, majority vote bank. He has a super dedicated team of online fans that promote everything he says or does. Then he has a Twitter account to wish people on different festivals - some of those festivals you wouldn't even have heard of.

Yesterday, he bragged about his meeting with Salman Khan and his participation in Uttarayan. I'm sure you all heard about it. Now, me thinks, there is a bone for both in this. Otherwise, this unnatural meeting can't just be shooting accident.

Modi's agenda is clear. He is going all the way with clearly polarized majority votebank as well as large corporate's support.  But for some strange reason he is trying to create this camouflage of peaceful co-existence with the minorities.  This may have something to do with his vision of becoming a historical figure. He just doesn't want to be PM. Even Machiavelli could do that. But he wants to go down  history books. He wants to be popular, and probably that is why he is posting pictures of himself reading ET with Obama's book by his side.  And taking Salman Khan out for Undhiyu lunch. What kite is he flying? Or will this kite fly?


On the other hand, beloved Salman, your fans are bedazzled. Has it got something to do with securing your position in the event of the imminent Modi-raj? With all the legal hassels you have been involved in, it might just help to be on the good side of the devil. We understand. But hope you know that your heartless participation and kite flying is going to buy him same number of votes as AAP's Kumar Vishwas' praises of Modi during his past Kavi sammelans. In the meanwhile, hope you enjoyed pulling a few strings in Gujarat.


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Blogathon Day 14: Small town quirks

Choti ungli pe nachai gee tujhe.. yeh hai small town girl!

Other than that, there are many more quirks of living or growing up in a small town. Some of those were brought back while discussing milk supply chain at work today. Maybe you also remember those.

# The time when your milkman used to bring the cow to your house, milk the cow in front of you and then your mother would haggle with him that the bucket in which he was collecting milk already had water in it.

# The days when your older brother /cousin would prepare for a mega kite flying competition and you would feel honored to be his trusted assistant, holding the roll of manjha between your elbows running behind him all day.

# Your neighbour with the highest building in the locality, whose terrace everyone would collect for the annual Eid moon sighting

# The uniform clad postman who visited your house every few days on a bicycle and brought inland letters from relatives far and few

# The discreet cyber cafe visits

# The only single after-school hangout that served pizza and burgers, where all your friends ended up giving their birthday treats

# Your scooty, that had a name

# The rickshaw, that wasn't auto

# Your parents always knowing everyone, through some distant relation or other

Well, those are just a few. Im sure there are many more. Do you remember any?


Monday, January 13, 2014

Blogathon Day 13: Things that were cool 10 years ago


There were things that cool folks did and showed off. And the rest of us just looked in awe. But then came a flood of herd mentality and too many people started doing those things, so much so, that even the perpetual "chomu" also managed to get his hands into these. That's when these things stopped being cool. The list is below. If you have been doing any of these things for less than 6 years, chances are you are in the herd. But then, who am I to stereotype anyone?

#1 Sporting a goatee

Despite the odd fitting leather pants and super tight shirts that made the look unbelievable, the goatee on Aamir Khan in Dil Chahta Hai proved to be a far bigger fashion trend than Kajol's hairband in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. From being a metrosexual man's mane, it went on to become the small town low cost fashion statement. There came different variations of it to gel with Chomu sense of style. And thats when it stopped being cool.


#2 Owning a DSLR

The price tag on DSLRs kept the herd away from these for a long time. Only the rich and famous could afford it. But facebook put so much pressure to put up great pictures every few days, that people started cutting eating-out bills to save up for the camera. Once purchased, albums with names such as "random clicks", "just like that", "my experiments with my camera"etc etc. littered facebook walls full of meaningless half cropped, modified and filtered images.

#3 Running a marathon

Not everyone could dream of running a marathon, not even a half one. Firstly there were not so many. Only few towns in India organized these and had limited participation. But then with free corporate sponsorship and marathons being held in every city, town, mohalla, and locality, everyone finds a marathon or two to run in. Even if you do a 3 to 6 km dream run, you could post a picture with a number pasted across your chest!

#4 Holiday in Europe

Going to Europe for a holiday was a thing for politicians, film stars and Ambanis earlier. But now thanks to Kesari travels, even old uncles and aunties have group tours in under 1.5 lakhs!






Given all the then cool things are out of question, wonder what are the cool people doing now? Entering politics maybe.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Blogathon Day 12: How to make a 500 crore movie?

First there was the coveted 100cr club. Then certain three idiots came and made the elite status a matter of aam admi. Since then, year after year, Khan after Khan (and certain superheroes!) are upping the count by a crore at a time, with the latest Saahir Khan making 500cr at the box-office.

This crazy number-game made me remember a time when we were advising a Bollywood client, trying to crack the formula that predicts how much business a particular film is going to do. There were several factors that were considered, and data for films released over the last 5 years was analysed. Regression analysis was done to come up with the correlation between these factors. But honestly, the formula was crap. We couldn’t predict nuts. And that Bollywood client had 3 films in the pipeline, only one of which released and tanked without anyone noticing.

But if there were to be a formula for making a 500cr movie, what would it be? Well, let me give it a shot. I consider myself an experienced consumer of films, and a consultant, and also an Indian, so obviously, I have an opinion on everything. Here’s my opinion on what makes a 500cr movie -
  1. The K word - Either have a Khan in your film (can be Mrs. Saif Ali Khan, but not Imran Khan or Irrffaan Khan) or the main character is to have a name with K and have special powers. This condition is necessary but not conclusive.
  2. Create so much hype that the first weekend is fully sold out in advance. And when that it done, there will certainly be those desperate souls who couldn't get tickets during the weekend, and hence would keep the demand for the week going, along with college bunkers, illegitimate lovers, and stingy people who watch movies during weekdays because the tickets are cheaper 
  3. Lobby and coerce and scare other films to move their release dates so that there is no big release one week before and atleast 2 weeks after your film. This way, cinema hungry audience will have no choice but to go see your movie even though Vigil Idiot would have already ripped your movie into 5000 crore pieces, and every single person coming out of the cinema hall would have put a fb status with disappointing emoticons. 
  4. The rest is simple math. Number of screens you release your movie in, and the price of your ticket. If the movie survives for more than 2 weeks, then you make atleast a 100cr on conservative scenario and 500cr in an optimistic one. 
Here is a quick calculation with the optimistic scenario (click on image to enlarge):


Just to put things in perspective, Dhoom 3 released in close to 5000 screens, the largest release for any Indian movie till date. Avatar released in 14,000 screens. Ticket prices for Dhoom 3 went as high as Rs. 900 for IMAX screens. And don't even talk about the overseas revenue, where ticket prices are way higher.

500 crores in today's times, prices and scale may actually just be ordinary rather than exemplary. But who cares, as long as the popcorn is hot!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Blogathon Day 8 : My musings

I’ll be honest here. I am sort of running out of ideas on how to make daily vanilla prompts into funny posts. Its kinda exhausting. I am afraid that if I keep depleting my humour resources at this rate, I might be running out of fuel soon. So for today, I choose to digress from the prompt and name this post after the most generic, commonly used, rarely interesting, most boring subject line ever. Ever ever. “My musings”

I have no clue of what I am going to write about and my thoughts at this point are as scattered as the popcorn from the paper popocorn bag that burst inside the microwave. I faintly remember naming one of my posts musings years ago. I was lame then. I had no content to write about.

I am still lame, and back to being content-less. I could just make a chalu post and get away with it. No one would know. Who reads my posts anyways? But I am a content driven writer and I endeavor to provide my readers with nothing less than 100% good quality material.

Or wait, did I just make one?

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Blogathon Day 7: Music on my mind

Music for me is a railway track that carries my thoughts into deep green forests. It is also the thing that puts me on second spot in my husband's list of things he loves most. Huh. No wonder I hardly board that train.

But when I do, I get stuck too much on either the lyrics or the video, I hardly hear the song!

Although I truly truly love this below song for its sheer "don't know what they are doing" quality. No matter whether I choose to hear the lyrics, watch the dance moves or listen to the whole mix, its a delight!

Plus I love the guy who mix-ade (mix and made!!)  this. Yes, Jogiswing (Youtube and soundcloud). That crazy guy.




Don't miss the pelvic thrusts and silver mops they are wearing. Oh and the headbands.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Blogathon Day 6: The Books I read, or not

Although I like to showoff as a very well read person by wearing thick rimmed glasses and making walls with piles of books around me, the truth is, I  got these glasses with late night movie watching on laptop secretly. I buy so many books just to balance out the total net weight I claim from this planet. And, I love the smell of new pages, filed inside freshly bound books.

Plus, my choice in literature is slightly questionable in respectable circles. I also secretly read Chetan Bhagat and coerce my husband to download pirated versions of Fifty shades of Grey for me.

The last five books I read were - Ford focus product manual, Kenwood food processor manual, Timeout Dubai, Who moved my cheese and Desperate in Dubai. No I did not. I didn't read the fourth one. But how does it matter. I could finish reading it by the time you finish reading this post.

The point is, there is so much information around us these days, floating around in so many forms, that it is difficult to absorb all of it, leave aside pick up a static source of information like a book. I mean it is far more interactive to read a Wiki page where you can click on references and read more and go to further on related topics, add your own two points and what not.

It took me a month to finish the Life of Pi and then I saw it in 3D - in 180 minutes. What has a better return?

Reading fiction is a luxury. There is just so much new information every minute to catch up on. So little time to “stand and stare”. No matter how much I would love to sit with a book and not care a thing about the World, the sheer pressure of keeping up with the World (and the Kardashians!), would draw me out. I need to know about everything from Mangalyaan to Mandela to Mumbai metro, to Memento to Money market. I need information and I need it fast. Half of my news updates come from Whatsapp, twitter, facebook and Groupon.  I am constantly on the move, I am restless, I am in a hurry.

And then there is Candy Crush. Read between the lines, will you?

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Blogathon Day 5: From Bucket list to List of Buckets

Its good to have a bucket list. Since it gives you an option to choose your next milestone. Whenever you feel goalless in life, just dig into your bucket and pull out an unfulfilled desire.

I would like to talk about my bucket list. But thats a serious matter and you might sleep by the time you reach item five on my list. So I will write about buckets instead.

Buckets, like people, come in different shapes, sizes, colours and popularity levels:

20 litre plastic buckets are like engineering graduates in India - available everywhere in large numbers and can be used for any kind of work. They might be produced in a high quality ISO something environment in Kharagpur or could be imported from from a cheap factory in China or maybe, Kota.

Then you have the large drum like ones with 100L - 1,000L capacity. These buckets are like introverts. They don’t fit anywhere, take in a lot, and you can almost never reach their bottom.

Another kind of bucket is the small 1 to 2 litre, steel bucket. Although, everyone seems to have one of these, no one seems to have bought them or need them anymore. These buckets make a lot of noise in the kitchen, often have craked heads (or rims) and need regular polishing to keep them glowing. We can say the same for certain women.

Don’t forget the small bronze bucket at restaurants such as Urban tadka, in which they often serve daal makhni. Well, these are pretty much the same as high maintenance girlfriends. Difficult to handle, glossy and expensive.

Finally there is the slightly squarish pocha bucket. These are the most talented of the lot, with innovative bends, ability to take crap, work in a team with the mop, help clean everyone’s mess and still be bright. You often see them at a desk next to yours.

What kind of a bucket are you?

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Blogathon Day 4: Five biggest achievements of an Aam Aadmi

Given the recent turn of events in the Indian politics, Aam Aadmi has actually become quite a celebrity. Given that special status, and my inclination to talk about stories of my rendezvous with celebrities on this blog (such as my actual meeting with Imraan Khan and hypothetical marriage with Salman Khan), I will write about the aam admi today. But not in the celebrity sort of way, more in the cattle class sort of way. And since the prompt for today is about achievements, what better opportunity than this to talk about the achievements of the common man in India!

So, here is my list of 5 biggest achievements of a common man in India. Ofcourse excluding winning Delhi elections and other such antics certain special Aam Aadmis are pulling.

#5 Using a public toilet

That is, if you ever spot one, since these are as rare as 24 hour electricity in Indian towns. But rest assured that if there were to be a public toilet within 5 miles of where you are, you would know. Please don't make me explain how. You know what, I don't even want to talk about it. I know you agree its an achievement, being able to pee there.

#4 Getting college admission

You all must have had nightmares either getting yourself or your kids into colleges in India. If you have enough money, it might work. But for the aam aadmi, there are such atrocious demands as getting 100 percentile and what not.

 #3 Getting a passport

It takes 6 months to 1 year for a common man to get a passport in India. This time also includes numerous hardships and substantial money. And then it arrives with a mistake. Mine says my gender is male. I once had a very embarrassing moment with a bank employee when trying to open an account with that passport. Read my getting a passport saga here.

#2 Boarding a Mumbai local

Although I havn't done this myself long enough, my respects to those who do everyday. Mumbai locals are believed to carry more than 7 million people everyday. That is more than the official population of entire UAE. These train commuters have evolved their own code of conduct, sign language and body language to survive in these trains. Many of my posts have been inspired by these. I am sure more will be.

#1 Booking IRCTC ticket

Oh ho ho. This is the big one. People update FB statuses and throw parties if they successfully manage to book a ticket online on IRCTC. Wedding dates are decided on the basis of the dates people manage to get tickets for.

Hmm. If a certain Aam Aadmi, could bring change around in the country, I wish he could change these.

That is my wish list. My biggest achievements. And my biggest nightmares.


Blogathon Day 3: Weather report one day too late

Yesterday, the prompt for the day was weather. Being a rain child or a hot bird. To be honest I like all weathers, as long as they fall on weekends. Just to make things clear, my weekends are Friday and Saturday. The flip side is that I have to work on Sundays, but on the bright side, the Monday blues don’t exist!

So anyway, yesterday being a weekend day, was my favourite weather. I started the day with sleeping in late. The rest of the activity for the day was adjourned for the next day. Including this post, which is one day too late. The weekend weather is called Procastinter. Its awsome, intermittent and often made more enjoyable during overcast skies, and heavy showers.

Procastinter can be enjoyed on a hot sunny afternoon drinking chilled long island tea in front of your television, or on a chilly snowy winter morning, slipping under covers and eating garam moongphalis, or in your balcony on a pouring moonsoon evening, sitting on your plastic chair, touching rain water with your toes and eating Rocky road pastry.

I spent mine eating a healthy portion of this grilled bell peppers and pasta salad on my couch in the balcony with sweet winter sunshine, and some white wine.


Sad the procastinter is getting over in a few hours for me. Ah.. procastinter, come back soon again!

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Blogathon Day 2: My serious introspection

I like to introspect. Mostly in the shower. And today I was introspecting a lot. Not about the year gone by. But about how cows manage to itch right right where it is itching.

I mean seriously, have you ever noticed a fly sitting on a cow. If a fly comes and sits on my right arm, I’ll lift my whole arm, or I’ll try to shoo away the fly with my left arm, or I will shake myself completely to move the fly. But a cow, wouldn’t bother as much. Same with a lazy person.

Imagine Ms cow eating her hay with gay (not the illegal one), when a fly comes and sits on its sirloin. The cow doesn’t care. Sirloin shakes itself, while Ms cow continues to eat. The darn fly then moves to sirloin’s neighbour, the tenderloin, which then makes a small frown. The fly jumps two blocks away to the shankle, the shankle shakes, it then climbs to the forehead, and the fore (head) skin only moves. The fly is now challenged. It hops and hops and hits the eye of the storm, literally. The cow blinks. 

I mean c’mon, what would it take you to nod your head? A Fanta perhaps ?

For those of you, who don’t enjoy steaks, here is a diagram:

And just FYI, Rib eye is not the eye of the cow. It is the rib instead.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

The Resolution that was

Every year on the 31 December, what you hear a lot is “resolutions”. If you ask me, well, mine is 2.75 megapixel. Yes, thats the closest to a resolution I have ever been. Except once.

 Once, couple of years ago, when I was still a young stork, I decided to give my relationship with Salman Khan a serious chance. At that time I genuinely believed that if I approached him and held a very serious man to (wo)man talk with him and explained to him how it made perfect sense for him to marry me, he would have no choice but to agree.

 My case was solid. I knew where he lived. He was rich, I was intelligent. He was single, I was almost. He was being rejected time and again by beautiful women, and I was an answer to all those beauties, who wouldn’t match my brains. He was short, I was shorter. And finally the deal maker - He was Khan, I was Ms Khan. Where do we sign now?

 However, there was only one problem. How do I get to speak to him? Well, the plan was simple. I, along with my two other girl friends would go to Salman’s Bandra apartment. And in the middle of the night, we would start singing. All Salman Khan songs. Starting with “Oonchi hai building.. lift teri band hai”. And if you have heard us sing, we sound worse than Anu Malik. Poor Salman would eventually give in and come wave at us from his balcony. Thats when I would throw keywords at him. He would get the hint and call me in for a chat. The next we know, we would be in Ibiza getting “papped”.

 All of this was worked out in extreme detail. Nothing in this could fail. The date was set, the team ready and I even got my manicure, just in case there is a ring involved. But then, poof! came my future husband’s “expression of interest” on shaadi.com.

 I had to choose between finding a perfect wife for Salman, or a perfect husband for myself. Ofcourse I chose the latter. I chose to go for a Coffee with my Mr K rather than a “Koffee with Karan”. Plus there were those rumours of him dating certain other Ms K. I can take everything, but not infidelity. Huh.